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Thursday, 12 April 2007
As warned in a previous blog, part two of my Judge Rudy (Judge Kudy parody). For a brief time I used Judge Rudy and faithful court bailiff Wendy to exorcise some demons. Part twom where I decide what new shows to put some Port Charles characters after the show was canned, is a little better than the first one. Part three is previewed at the end of the blog. Well not really, but a few lines reveal where I'm going next. (I put a star near the important section) Cheap way to get out of a blog? You bet, but it could also mean the end of a year and a half long writers block. Soap Opera Court Part Two: Judge Rudy Decides the fate of a few PC'rs(Scene:Judges chamber. Rudy and her trusty Bailiff Wendy are watching the noon news) Reporter Mandy Newton: Shocking news as the ABC soap Port Charles is canceled due to low ratings! This soap was a spin-off of the long running General Hospital. In the last year or so the soap has been running 13 week "book" storylines that wrapped on week 13, allowing costs to run much cheaper. Anchorman Ron Killie: (a smiling dimply guy with enormous teeth) Didn't work, still sucked! Reporter Mandy Newton: (smiling and through clenched teeth) We're on the air! Anchorman Ron Killie: I don't care! Reporter Mandy Newton: For weeks to come, these newly unemployed actors will finish up their last storyline. Help wanted! Back to you Ron. (Wendy turns it off) Bailiff Wendy: You know what this means? Judge Rudy: Whatever romance Ron and Mandy have is over? Bailiff Wendy: No! Soap people out of jobs! (She jumps up) Something must be done. (Dramatically looks at Rudy) Judge Rudy: (Jumps up) You're right! We must get them the number to our agent. (Wendy shakes her head) Send over a fruit basket? Maybe thats redundant. I know! (She points at the sky) We must find a new place for these people! Wendy! Round up the usual suspects! (Lightening crashes, lights go out.) Fix that fuse! Next day Announcer: This is a special edition of Judge Rudys Court: Unemployment line! The defendants will speak the truth or be shot on sight...oh wait this is the script for the new CSI show, sorry. You will get a new job on tv, and like it! Or get shot on sight. I know its not in there, I don't care....Is that Wendy Malick in the courtroom? Shes checking me out! Bailiff Wendy: Kill microphone! (Feedback screeches in the courtroom) Will the litigants please approach the bench? Cue mike! Announcer: The first two litigiants are the more supernatual beings on the show, Caleb Morley, bloodsucking vampire singer....and a true angel Rafe. Judge Rudy: Good lord, a rock star vampire. You better hope Lestat doesnt sue. (Caleb does a "nah!" scary face) Oh please, I'm just shaking in my shoes. Oh looky here. (She shows a large garlic clove and a cross and stake) Try anything funny, and you dont even get to choose whats behind door number three. Caleb: Fine. Where I go my groupies follow. Judge Rudy: Your groupies have been reassigned to the Rolling Stones! Caleb: They are even older than me! Judge Rudy: And the angel. Ok you die and go to heaven, you dont do the reverse. Rafe: We all have true love waiting for us here, on earth. That is what I came for. Judge Rudy: You ever see "City of Angels?" You see what happened to Nic Cage when he became a fallen angel? He lost the girl! Bailiff Wendy: Pow! Judge Rudy: Thank you Wendy. Bailiff Wendy: Just doing my job. Judge Rudy: Good news, I wont be doing the decision making. (court cheers) Bad news, the soap-tom-atron 3001 will do it for us. Bring the WHEEEEEELL! (The word wheel echoes through the courtroom. Rafe cringes.) I bought an echoing mike and darn it I'm gonna use it. (She walks to the wheel) One turn and your date with fate is made, uh mate. Rafe: I'd like to buy a vowel! (Someone throws a tomato at him) OW! Judge Rudy: Please dont waste food! Bailiff Wendy, if you will do the honors. (Bailiff Wendy spins the wheel. It lands on a planatoid symbol.) Judge Rudy: Oh uh, seems you are relegated to crap retread sci fi movies for the space channel for the rest of your life! And it gets worse, you will always die by the end of the first reel! (cackles) Take him away. (Bailiff Wendy leads him out of the room. A loud scream is heard.) Uh oh. She didnt just lead him into a well lit room, did she? OOpsie. (Bailiff Wendy comes back in and shrugs.) I might note shes nursing a grudge, hates how bad the show got. Bailiff Wendy: (Growls) Judge Rudy: Now the angel. (Spins the wheel, it stops at PAX tv logo) Looks like you are going to be guest star on Touched By An Angel! Bailiff Wendy: It's been off the air for months! Judge Rudy: (low voice) Don't let him know that. He can always hope for a reunion movie. Take him away! I need new vic....defendants! Announcer: Ian Thornhart is Irish and studly! Lucy Coe Jones Quatermaine Stanton Baldwin Collins is a woman who's been married almost as many times as Erica Kane! Judge Rudy: Ian, Ian, of the cable knit sweater clan. How are we? Ian: Great. (he smiles) Judge Rudy: I can't do this, he's sooo cute. (She sighs). Fortunately modern machinery is here to help. Your crime is adding one more male to the already confusing Port Charles dating scene. Who ARE you with this week? Ian: (thinks) I'm unsure. Could be her. (Indicates Lucy) Lucy: Huh? Judge Rudy: Pay attention honey, this will go easier. (Nods head) Hit it! (Bailiff Wendy spins the wheel, it lands on "Elimindate delux") Ian: Sweet! Four chicks at once! Judge Rudy: I'm afraid you are mistaken, this is the special "Jerry Springer Traylor..." Traylor??? "Trailer trash edition". Ian: But my handsome looks! Wasted on women with four teeth. (Wendy drags him away). Bailiff Wendy: Its ok, and hey, I think one of them is bringing her mom! (Ian makes a horrified face) Judge Rudy: Lucy....Its now your turn..(Lucys not paying attention, looking in a makeup compact.) Lucy! Lucy: (snaps compact closed) What? Judge Rudy: Says here you are a vampire slayer. Can't be too good, half the towns roaming with vampires. Then again if you tune to General Hospital you wouldn't know it was the same town. Lucy: I try very hard, but they just keep popping up. Like a bad dream. Bailiff Wendy: Yeah tell me about it. (Everyone looks her way) Not like I would know. What are you looking at? Judge Rudy: We'll have the next spin of the wheel after this break! (Commerical) Tonight we report on Jennifer Lopez and Ben Afflecks hot romance! Wait, they did nothing today? What will we report on?? (Tivo skips rest of commercial) Bailiff Wendy: (Talking with Rudy and Lucy) And so the priest says to the rabbi....oooh we're back! Lucy: The rabbi said that? Judge Rudy: Spin the wheel! (The wheel spins quickly, after a minute of not so exciting tension, it stops and lights go flashing and a siren wails) Lucy: What does that mean? >BR? Judge Rudy: Nothing! A glitch in the board. (She slaps it, the siren stops) You are being sent to the one place you are needed: (she snaps fingers and Lucy becomes a stenographer) Right here. Its so hard to find court reporters! Okay last group of contestants. Anouncer: Dr. Kevin Chamberlin-Collins is a doctor at General Hospital and Serena Baldwin is the cutest kid of them all, as long as SORAS (thats soap opera rapid age syndrome to you people) doesn't get to her first! Judge Rudy: You are a doctor? What do you practice? Kevin: All kinds of medicine, all kinds, day and night. I even practice the medicine of love. Judge Rudy: (guffaws) Yeah right. Ok lets give the wheel a spin. (The wheel spins and spins but it stops and falls off the board) Oh-key. Your new job is to be hack plastic surgeon on Nip/Tuck, but you will be in reserve till whenever Julian whats his name decides to ruin the show. Kevin: But I don't know plastic surgery. (gets hauled away) Judge Rudy: Like that stops anyone. Last one is Serena. (She looks at the cute girl) I can't do this. Sweetie do you like Barney? Serena: Yeah! I wish I could be there all the time! Judge Rudy: (raps her gavel) Done! And we're done! Bailiff Wendy: That was easy, we should do another one when Passions gets canned.** Judge Rudy: Hmmmm, we're gonna need a bigger board. The end
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