Beyond Friends Episode Eighty Five "Paperback Writer"


Friends Guest
Courteney Cox as Monica
David Schwimmer as Ross
Matt Leblanc as Joey

Guest Star
Demi Moore as Allison
Gwyneth Paltrow as Stacy
RuPaul as Greta


"Everyday I Write The Book"


"So thats it, we're finished." Greta said. "I have taken all of your bologna for soooo long, I am not taking it anymore." She said fire in her eyes. "In fact you can take all that bologna you been giving me mister, take all the bologna you have and make a sandwich." She sniffed. "You think your so big with your cars and your mansions. But honey! Ohhh, honey. You wouldnt have any of that without me. No sir." Greta said. "Right now what I want you to do is take your stuff, your bolgona, your high horse and everything and pack it up and leave." She turned with tears in her eyes. "Cause baby we are through. The next time I expect...I WILL see you, you will be looking up at me from the gutter from which you came." Greta stiffened her lip. "Goodbye."
She went to the door and walked out. She turned and snarled and closed the door with a slam.

Rachel sat on her couch in awe. She waited a couple of seconds. She stood up and started to applaud wildly. Greta came back in on cue. She smiled.
"That was wonderful!" Rachel said.
Greta did a bow.
"Thanks." She said. "I have been working on this script for so long, I'm beginning to wonder if I have an interesting dialogue of my own left!" She smiled.
"Oh sure you do. Heaven forbid Greta Chanel be speechless! You're gonna do a great job at the audition. I'm thankful I got a chance to see you in action!"
"Me too. It isnt all me. My new beau encouraged me to go for this role. I ususally go for loose women. Sleep around alot." Greta explained.
"You dont say." Rachel said.
"I am so blessed." Greta hugged herself. "Enough about me. What do you think of me?" She laughed. "I'm kidding! What are you doing, seriously. I want to hear all about it."
"I'm gonna write a story." Rachel explained. "There is this contest for short story writers. 500$ bucks." She said. "I thought it would be fun to do for a while."
"Great." Greta said. "How are you doing?"
"Well... I have the total of zip pages written." She moaned. "I have the motivation to do it."
"The money natch. 500 clams can buy a lot of shoes." Greta mused.
"I have to win it first. Then I will consider loaning it to you for your rent, ok?" Rachel said. "I have nothing to write about."
Greta tittered on the edge of her seat, then could no longer hold back her laughter.
"What?" Rachel said.
"Child. You have a life that would keep a soap opera busy for years. You marry a man in islands and a hurricane somehow makes the license MIA. You dated your boyfriend and Chandler at the same time. Chandler is still in love with you. Don't get me started on Monica. Theres just too much there honey." Greta said. "To make a long story short..."
"Too late."
"Write about something you know. Familiar with." Greta said.
"I once tried to write a romance novel." Rachel said remembering.
"Oh!" Greta said. "No offense honey but anything romantic you might turn out may look like science fiction. Take a simple idea and expand on it." Greta patted her friend on the back. "You work on it. Meanwhile I have a date with my man tonight. I need to pick up a gallon of cool whip before the store closes."
"Greta!"
"What? We make sundaes sugar. Get your mind out of the gutter."
"You mean with whats his name."
"Exactly." Greta waved. "Bye!"


Chandlers place

Stacy went into her room as Joey rooted through Chandlers freezer.
"You got any strawberries?" He asked.
"Nope." Chandler said.
"Cherries? Blueberries? No Bananas?" He asked.
"Yes." Chandler said.
"So you do have bananas." Joey asked.
"No."
"Wait, you said yes."
"Yes." Chandler said slowly. "I said yes, there are no bananas."
"Make up your mind! It's either yes or no."
"I have no bananas!" Chandler said. "What do you need them for anyway."
"Dessert." Joey said.
"Oh ok." Chandler said.
"I'll see you later. Maybe I can stop at the Stop and shop." Joey said leaving.
"Yes we have no bananas." Stacy sang at the door. "We have no bananas today." She was wearing an over sized white shirt. "I love that song."
Chandler wrapped his arms around her. "I do have some raspberries."
"Sorry I'm allergic." Stacy said. "You're sweet enough for me. "She kissed him on the nose."

Rachels place

Rachel stared at the foreboding computer screen for a couple of minutes. Ross's screensaver kicked in. A bunch of tangoing brontos crossed her screen. She flicked the mouse and the brontos vanished. She cracked her knuckles and began typing.


Once upon a time, a love was mine. Never was this more true than in the summer of 1942, when our nation was about to be emmersed in the great war in europe. My friends Allison and Monica and I sang at a small canteen in New York. It was a night to remember. We were getting ready for the next number when I saw him standing at the bar. I walked over to Allison as she was warming up her voice and asked her.
"Alli, who is that guy next to the bar?" I asked.
"Thats Private Chandler Bing. Air Force." Allison said. "Hes leaving tonight."
"Wow." I said. "He's a cutie."
"Not so fast." Monica said. "Ross is out of town, what makes you think you can scope out other guys?"
"Ross!" I said. "I almost forgot."

Rachel sat back.
"Okay this story would be better if I didnt use the real names. And if I chose a different story altogether." Rachel thought for a minute.

I walked out onto the deck. I was wrapped in a smock yet i was so cold. Then I saw him standing at the bow. He looked down at the surf. I called out his name.
"Chandler."
He looked up. "Rachel!" He looked at me. "How did you know I was out here?"
"Joey can be bribed with a turkey sandwich. The info came pretty easily." I said.
"Why did you come?" He asked.
"I wanted to see you."
"What about Ross?"
"Forget Ross. I already have. Hes in the parlor having cigarettes and brandy. As long as hes kept smoking and drinking, he wont wonder where I am." I said.
"You were gonna get married to him." He said.
"A marriage of convienance. Mostly his." I said.
"Come here." He took my hand. "I want to show you something."
I let him lead me to the bow.
"Stand up here." He guided my feet. "Do you trust me?"
"I trust you."
He stood behind me and helped me balance on the rail. He then extended my arm so they were straight out at each side.
"Open your eyes." He said into my ear.
I opened my eyes. "Oh my god, I can see everything." I stood and breathed it all in. "I feel like I'm flying."

Rachel shook her head. She looked at her copy of Titanic lying on top of the vcr.
"Great. I can be Hollywoods most prolific rip off artist." Rachel sighed. "I can't do this." She turned off the computer.
She went to the door. Ross met her at the door.
"Oh!" He stopped her. "And how are we doing today?"
"Terrible. I don't have an original thought in my head." Rachel said. "What I tried to write was awful."
"Can I see it?"
Rachel looked up sharply. He can't see what she wrote about Chandler. "I erased it already." She said, which was the truth, whats the point of keeping an empty file?
"It'll come to you honey." Ross said. "The greatest love story comes from the single kiss." He kissed her on the lips.
"Hmm, want to tell me more of that story?" Rachel mused.
"Gladly." He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom.