Beyond Friends Episode Forty Nine "Trashy Side"
Guest Star:
Matt LeBlanc as Joey
David Scwhimmer as Ross
Courteney Cox as Monica
Ellen Degeneres as herself
"The Homecoming Queens Got A Gun"
Rachel was sitting at the kitchen table looking at her engagement ring when Joey came through the door.
"Hey Joey!" Rachel looked up.
"Hey!" Joey said sitting down. "I got some great news for you." He glanced at the ring. "Is that what I think it is?" Rachel nodded. "Oh my god! Thats great! You're gonna marry Ross?"
"I haven't decided. I asked for a little thinking time." Rachel said. "Whats your great news?"
"Nah, compared to this news about you and Ross, maybe, it looks so small now." Joey said.
"Tell me anyway." Rachel said.
"Remember after I had to let you go I said I would still be your agent?" Joey reminded her.
"Yeah." Rachel said. "You have something for me?"
"Sort of." Joey said.
"What is it? Vogue? Elizabeth Arden? Martha Stewart?" Rachel smiled. "I'll take anything, anything!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that." Joey said. He took out a bag. He reached in and took out a crown. He went in back of her, then neatly placed the crown on her head. "Congratulations! You are Queen of The Mud Bog!"
Rachel flushed.
"I think I feel faint." She murmured before crashing to the ground.
Chandler walked in. He looked down to dodge the crumpled body of Rachel. "She's been doing that a lot lately."
He said walking around her.
The Restaurant
"What?" Monica asked.
"Somehow I have been named Queen of the Mud Bog." Rachel answered. "What is that?"
Rachel, after recovering from another fainting spell, had run down to Monica to talk to her. Get some friendly advice.
"A mud bog is like a tractor pull." Monica said. "But I still don't understand how you got to be queen. Don't they have a pageant or something for that?"
"They usually do, but not here." Rachel said. "When I got the Estee' Lauder contract I was in the paper. Whoever is in charge of this saw me and was immediately taken with me. They contacted Joey and voila. Here I am."
Monica sighed. "Queen of the mud bog. Can you do anything with that?"
"Possibly get the best seats at the house at Rustys Rib Joint." Rachel laughed. "All I need is something to wear. And I wont want to mess any of my outfits up."
"So you want to borrow something from me, then you won't feel so bad about messing my things up?"
"I'm that obvious?" Rachel asked.
"When you came in, I had an idea you had been to my place and picked something out." Monica said.
"How can you tell?" Rachel asked.
"I just do. Trust me." Monica said. "You have a certain look about you."
"I guess. Can I borrow something for this?" Rachel asked.
"I thought you would never ask." Monica smiled. "Do you have anyhting in mind?"
"I thought maybe the white dress I gave you. And I only said that cause I was looking for you at home." Rachel said quickly.
"Its no problem." Monica said. "Go ahead and take it."
"Thanks."
"When is this?" Monica asked.
"Tomorrow." Rachel said.
"Too bad, I can't come. I work tomorrow." Monica sighed.
"I didn't think you would come anyway." Rachel said.
"I might have. After all who could miss this? Rachel Green Queen of the Mud Bog."
"I'll bring you a souvenir." Rachel promised.
"Deal."
When Rachel got home she immediately picked up the phone to call Joey.
"Joey?" Rachel said after the line was picked up.
"Yo?" Joey said, obviously eating.
"I'll do the mud bog thing." Rachel said.
"Great." Joey said chewing on his pizza slice. "Ross said he waas gonna come and be your support thing."
"Really?" Rachel asked surprised.
"Oh yea." Joey said.
"Great." Rachel said as he hung up. Ross was coming to watch her at this mud bog thing. Suddenly Rachel was not so hot about going, she didn't want him to see her there. But she had no idea why. After all it was work, sort of. Chandler came of his room. Rachel moved the dry cleaning bag that had the white dress from a seat.
"Hi Rachel." He said. "Or should I say your royal highness?"
"Haha, keep it up, or I'll give you a royal gesture to learn." Rachel said.
"It can't be that bad."
"How can you say that? You're not gonna be wearing a crown and a friends white dress in front of a bunch of redneck yokels!"
"But those are the best kind of yokels." Chandler said. "Come on, you will have friends around you." He smiled. "In a few years we'll look back at this and laugh." Rachel gave him a stern look. "Course for you it won't be for a decade."
Rachel relaxed."Whats the worst thing that can happen?"
"Exactly." Chandler agreed. "Keep a positive outlook and nothing will get in your way."
The next night
Ross opened the car door for Rachel as they arrived at the arena for the mud bog.
"Wow, look at all the people here tonight." Ross observed.
"Really." Rachel said. "They must come out of the wood work for this one."
Joey and Chandler got out of the back of the car.
"Now remember Rachel. The Queen has specified duties." Joey explained. "We are now going to Farm Central and you will meet royalty."
"Royalty? Here? You gotta be kidding." Rachel said as Joey put the crown on her head. "Hows my makeup?"
"It's fine sweetie." Ross said. "Me and Chandler will find a seat. I love you." Ross said kissing her on the nose. "You have a cute nose, like a button." He said.
"We gotta go." Joey said. "This certain special person doesn't meet just anyone."
Rachel smiled, maybe she was gonna meet an honest to god celebrity. She walked with a little bit more bounce to her step as she followed Joey into Farm Central.
Seconds Later
"This isn't the celeb I was expecting." Rachel said from her "Hay throne."
"You're fine sweetie." Joey said. He was standing next to a photographer.
The celeb turned out to be the world famous Billy the Baby Pig. Part of the queens duties was to have a picture with him. It was tradition. There was a different pig each year there was a different Queen.
"Ms Green. What we want you do to is to pick Billy up and cradle him in your arms." The photographer directed.
"But he's icky." Rachel protested.
"That's ok." Joey said. "Pretend he's a favorite doll."
"Good idea." The photographer agreed.
"Ok." Rachel reached over and grabbed the baby pig. It squealed and squirmed on her grasp. After a few slippery seconds, she had a firm hold on him. Rachel brought it to her chest and held him so they faced the camera.
"Smile!" The photographer cried. He snapped a few quick pictures. "Ok, that was great. Thank you."
"Your welcome." Rachel said as the pig popped out of her arms.
"Ok." Joey took her hand. He took out a towel and wiped some grease off of the white dress.
"I know, I know. I had to wear white." Rachel said. "How stupid was that?"
"Not really." Joey said. "This will come out. That is if nothing else gets on it."
"I'm sure I'll be pretty good for the rest of the night" Rachel said as Joey walked her to the main auditorium. Where are we going now?"
"Well it is also the queens duty to sit there and wave to the crowd and to watch the main event. The big mud bog challenge. Two champions in racing will fight to win the big prize."
"Great." Rachel said smiling uneasily.
"Here you go." Joey helped her on the stage. "Good luck."
"Thanks." Rachel said. She walked over to her seat. She noticed a celeb standing near the microphone having a last cigarette. She looked up and saw Rachel.
"Hey you must be the bog queen." She said. "Ellen Degeneres."
"Rachel Green Queen at large." Rachel said. "I guess I am the Queen."
"I'm the MC tonight." She said smiling. "Its time to start." She tapped the microphone. "Ladies and gentleman. Time for the main event. The legendary Big foot vs Big Mamajama. Those names are kinda redundant, since the trucks are big anyway, but I digress. Please welcome out Mud Bog Queen Rachel Green!"
Rachel waved to the crowd as everyone whistled at her. She went out to walk the small runway but she slipped and fell into a batch of black goo. Ross and Chandler jumped from their seats and rushed over. Ross got to Rachel first. He tried to help her up but fell as Rachel pulled his hand. They slid for a bit before deciding to quit while they were ahead. Ross and Rachel sat up.
"Wow, this mud is nice." Ross observed. "Like pudding."
"Yeah, very soft." Rachel agreed, shoving a handful in his face.
"Guys?" Ellen leaned over the edge of the walkway. "Thats not mud?"
"Eh?" Rachel said.
"There was a horse race here today. It didn't get completely cleaned up if you know what I mean." She said before leaving.
Ross and Rachel sat there for a second before they realized what she meant.
"Ewww." Ross said.
Later
Rachel had just come out of the shower, when there was a knock at the door. She opened it. It was Monica.
"Hi Mon." She said.
"Hey, I'm here for my white dress..." Monica stopped as she looked at the dress hung over the sink, dripping wet, still with a brown tinge to it. "I knew it! You pitted it out!" Monica accused.
Rachel rolled her eyes and sat down.
"Well, I can always dye it." Monica said, Rachel started to laugh. Monica joined her. Eventually they started to laugh their butts off. Chandler came out in the middle of this.
"Women." He muttered. He left them there to laugh.
