Beyond Friends Episode Forty Three "Secret Agent Man"


Guest Stars
Arnold Schwartzenegger as Claus Fraudenstien
Matt LeBlanc as Joey
David Schwimmer as Ross
Courteney Cox as Monica

"I'm An Agent"

Rachels hands shook as she buttoned up the front of her dress. That day was going to be the first day she was gonna be a model for Estee Lauder. It felt so wonderful to her and yet so nerve wracking at the same time. Rachel threw down her hands and gave up trying to button. Ross was sitting next to her.
"Turn around." He said raising his hands. "But I'd rather you not go. Stay here with me." He said buttoning her dress with far more steadier hands than her.
"I know, I would rather be here with you too. But Joey will be here any minute and today is my first photo shoot and I dont want to be late and create a bad imperssion..." Rachel shot off at a manic pace. Ross pulled her close and calmed her with a kiss.
"It'll be all right." Ross said pulling away from her. "We still got some time before he comes right?"
"Don't muss up my hair, Monica will kill you." Rachel said as they moved to kiss again.

Meanwhile in the living room Monica and Chandler were watching a game on tv.
"I take it that Ross and Rachel are back to normal?" Monica asked.
"Define normal." Chandler replied. "I still think its nuts that she is having Joey be here agent. Does he even know how to do it?"
"He seems to keep himself in steady demand, he must be doing something right." Monica said as there was a knock at the door.
"That should be Joey." Chandler said getting up to answer the door. It swung open before he had a chance to get to it.
"Hey!" Joey said waving a hello. He was wearing a very professional looking suit. He stood there and let Chandler and Monica look him over. The suit had loud red and blue stripes running down it. "This is my lucky suit." He explained as they looked on with a weird kind of awe.
"Thats good. I thought you mugged a ventriloquist on the way over here." Chandler sighed. "They're in there." He said pointing. "Don't ask me what they are doing in there. I don't want to know."
"Me neither." Monica said.
"Ah." Joey said chuckling, then he laughed a little louder. "Oh I see what you mean."
"I'll knock on the door." Monica volunteered. "Where they are....uh....heh....they don't like the be disturbed."
"What IS with the suit?" Chandler asked.
"I had an early meeting with the Estee Lauder people. I don't want to worry Rachel about this but if this first shoot goes off without a hitch, big things could be in store."
"Wow." Chandler said. "All of these things happening: Monica reopening her eatery, you have your semi fame, Rachel getting this job, and Phoebe being a mom, And all this time I'm still at the same place I was only temping for."
"Admit it, you're jealous." Joey said grinning stupidly, Chandler sighed realizing that what he said had gone in one ear and come out the other.
"I'm ready!" Rachel called. "Let's go."
"Wish us luck." Joey said as they went into the hallway. The trio went to the window and watched Joeys Cherry Dodge Charger drive away.
"Joeys a big star, shouldn't he have gotten a new car by now?" Monica said as it made a loud backfiring noise that could have awoken the dead.
"He said he didn't want to stick out." Ross said quietly as the car turned a corner and started to roll to Rachels destiny.

Rachel and Joey entered the studio at the local Estee Lauder stomping grounds. It was set up very simply. Rachel assumed they didnt use this location very often. When they had arrived they noticed this upscale photo studio was in a bad part of town. Joey had to activate his car alarm hen they got out. Rachel told Joey that no respectable crook would take the car.
"Wow." Rachel looked around the studio which was painted a bright white. Probably to hide any cracks or anything that was considered unsightly. "So this is the big time."
"Yeah." Joey said joining her. "Every time I start a new project I feel like I'm doing this for the first time. Like you are today."
"What happened at your real first time?" Rachel asked.
"You don't wanna know."
"I'll ask Chandler." She threatened.
"I showed up with no underwear on." Joey confessed. "No pants either. Not exactly the first impression you want to make either. Believe you me."
A big slamming door interrupted their little talk. Three men came in with cameras followed by a very thin makeup girl who directed Rachel over to one of the chairs. She abruptly pushed her into the chair and began to remove all the makeup that Rachel had taken care to put on this morning. She began reapplying a thick foundation. Her hands flew as they worked.
"Claus does not like it when his own models put on their own makeup. Even when they do it well he wants it all off and done his way." The girl explained. "Claus is particular about the way his models look too. Have you eaten today? He does not like his models to work on empty stomachs." She paused.
"I've eaten." Rachel lied, she was too nervous to eat anything at all. "I'm sorry, this is my first day. Who is Claus?"
She made a little squeaky noise. "Uh! I got to go, he does not want makeup people around when he works. See you later okay?"
Rachel nodded. She got up and went to Joey. "Who is Claus?"
"I am Claus." A rich foreign accent answered him. "I am Claus Fraudenstien, the man responsible for turning what you call there a face into a work of art." Claus said pronouncing "work" like "verk". "Okay, little girl, I talk, you vill listen. Ja?"
"Ja." Rachel said.
"Who eez this?" Claus said looking at Joey like he was no more than a common house fly.
"He eez my agent." Rachel said imitating Claus's accent.
"Well them, he stay. He stay as long as he no talk. Ja?" Claus said pointing a pinky at his chest.
Joey nodded.
"Wonderful. Little girl....vot is your name? Rachel? You go over to pillow." Claus said pointing the way. He went to talk to a camera man. "I swear to you Anfony, we have a work cut out here today."
Rachel looked around."What do I do here?"
"Okay look at me." Claus said slightly irritated. "You will rest head on that pillow, ja? You understand. Place your hands under head like I do here." Claus demonstrated. "Good, I like. Take picture already."
Joey was standing behind Claus with a serious look on his face. He didn't like the way he was treating Rachel.
He heard him mutter "I swear to god, life behind iron curtain was paradise compared to this."
"Thats enough!" Joey burst out. He walked to Claus who stood before him with his hands on his hips.
"Vot are you doing? I told you keep quiet, you stay." Claus said.
"I am not gonna stay quiet." Joey said. "I don't care if you are world famous photographer or have awards up the wazoo. You have no right treating my friend, or anyone like this." Joey said going over to Rachels hand. He took it. "Come on. We're going."
"What do I tell big makeup company?" Claus said beginning to sound worried.
"Tell them I said to take their contract and stick it." Joey said as they left.
Claus turned to his photo assistant. "This is bad." Claus thought for a second. "Let's go get drunk."

They walked down the hall to the parking lot. Rachel stopped Joey halfway down the hallway.
"Joey, thanks for doing that." Rachel said hugging him.
"No problem. As your agent, I was looking out for your interests. Also I cared for you as a friend."
"Thanks." Rachel said.
"Let's go home." Joey said. "You can go back to being my assistant till I get you another gig."
"Joy."

Chandler and Monica were still watching the game as Joey and Rachel opened the door.
"Hi!" Rachel said carrying a bag. Joey waved as he closed the door.
"Rachel. What is this?" Monica said looking in the bag.
"Beauty Products courtesy of me and Estee Lauder. Today was my first and last day on the job. Joey broke into the supply closet and helped me raid it." Rachel said handing Chandler a jar of face moisterizer.
"Rachel, you know I only use Lancomme'." Chandler whined.
"What happened was that the photographer was a jerk and Joey gave him the what for." Rachel said as she sat on Ross's lap.
"Thats great." Ross said as he turned to Monica. They all looked at her.
"What?" Monica said. She had opened the jar of green face mudd. "Well I couldnt use a dab so I used enough to cover my whole face."
"No, thats good. When you start a kabuki eatery you'll fit right in." Chandler said.
Monica groaned and took a handfull of the cream and rubbed it on his face. He licked a little of it off. "It says it has cucumber in it, but trust me, it don't taste like it." Chandler said.
"What are you gonna do now?" Ross said.
"I'm gonna be with Joey till I get another gig. God only knows when." Rachel said.
"So he still your agent?" Chandler asked.
"If it wasnt for him, I would still be there with that jerk of a photographer." Rachel said proudly. "You can take that either way."